Ellyn Satter’s latest newsletter asks the question, is the DOR a Laissez Faire approach to feeding your children?
Before I talk about my thoughts, let’s start off with answering… “What in the world is DOR?”
The Division of Responsibility for feeding children:
The parent is responsible for what, when, where.
The child is responsible for how much and whether.
I’ve noticed a funny reaction to using the DOR with my child. Some people that witness this approach think that I’m quite strict around feeding and then others think I’m fairly laissez faire about feeding. Really, it’s a little of both.
Let’s talk about the ways I’ve found it to be strict (actually I’m going to call it ‘structured’)…
- I’m structured about meal times: I don’t let my daughter graze on food throughout the day. When she sees a food item that she wants but it’s not meal time, I say, “You can’t have that now, but we can put it on the table for lunch.” Remember, we want our children to come to the table hungry.
- I’m structured about the location of meals: My daughter is encouraged to eat meals only at the table. We discourage eating snacks while she is playing. We try to avoid meals and snacks in the car. (Sometimes this is unavoidable… I get it.)
- I’m structured about the types of foods that are offered: At meals, I always try to include a protein, grain, fat, fruit, vegetable, and often some type of dessert or snack food.
- I don’t let my daughter direct what is offered at the meal: I’m trying to teach my daughter that we are not short order cooks. I will acknowledge her food preferences so that she can be successful at the meal, but I don’t cater to the food preferences. For example, I always make sure to include one food that I know she will like. If she eats only that one food for the meal, she’ll be ok. When she complains about something she doesn’t like, my line is always the same. “This is what is offered for breakfast (lunch, dinner, snack), if you don’t like it, you don’t have to eat it.”
- I’m structured (or maybe relaxed…depending on your thoughts) about getting down from the table: When she is done eating she is allowed to get down whether or not we are finished. But I don’t allow her to get down… and up… and down and up… during our meal. I say to E, “If you get down from the table, that tells Mommy you’re all done.” When she gets down, I move her plate to the sink and go back to the table and finish my meal. We didn’t start this until recently because she’s now old enough to sit at the table for longer periods.
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So how does the DOR feel relaxed to me?
- I am relaxed about the foods she chooses to eat at any given meal time: I make sure there is a variety of foods on the table at meals, but E decides what actually goes on her plate: sometimes she’s really excited about the broccoli; sometimes she only wants noodles; sometimes the dessert is eaten first, sometimes it is ignored.
- I am relaxed about the amount she eats: E, like all children, knows how much food she needs. This amount can wax and wane depending on the day, but over a week’s time, it evens out. I trust her to eat exactly what her body is asking for. If she complains about feeling hungry earlier than normal, I assure her that another snack or meal is coming soon.
- I am relaxed about what appears to be food waste: When it comes to leftover fruits and vegetables on the table after a meal, I never stress about waste. I rinse them off and put them in a container in the freezer. If there’s yogurt or milk, I do the same. After a few days of collecting these, I blend all these leftovers to make a smoothie that E downs. I encourage the use of serving utensils from the serving dishes, so that I have the option of putting other foods back in the fridge and offering them at another meal. But I will not deny, that there are times that food gets wasted. I acknowledge that this is a privilege that we have that not all families have. For the most part, I try to be creative about keeping the waste to a minimum.
- I’m relaxed about teaching my child to be a “healthy eater”. I’m aiming instead for a “competent eater”: My one and only goal for my child’s food intake is that she grows up eating the same foods that we eat. In that way, if I know that I am getting a balanced diet then so is my child. I do not exert any pressure over my child’s food intake. When I try to get E to eat a vegetable it intrudes on her sphere of influence. Often when children feel controlled, they rebel. When this happens, the mealtime experience is impaired. Instead, I stay relaxed and I continue to offer the more challenging foods again and again (remember it can take up to 12 exposures for a child to accept a new food) and I let her see her parents enjoying these foods again and again. What is a competent eater? (read this)
- I’m relaxed about desserts: I want my child to be able to navigate this world with birthday cakes, halloween candy, ice cream outings, and fresh baked goods. I want her to be able to distinguish when her tummy is too full, when too much candy makes her tummy feel bad, and when it’s not what sounds good in that moment. Have you ever eaten a huge meal and then someone says, “Let’s go get ice cream!” and suddenly you find room for it? When I serve dessert at the same time as dinner, it allows E to determine how much of her appetite she wants to spend on the dessert. This is the hardest part of DOR. Here’s a good article to help you start to navigate this one: http://ellynsatterinstitute.org/htf/usingforbiddenfood.php
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
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